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A married man goes to confession and says to the priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest replies,"Almost?"
The man says, Well, we got undressed and rubbed together;
I stopped."
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in! Say 5 hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box."
The man leaves and pauses by the poor box. The watching priest runs over to him saying,"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."
The man replies,"Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on it and according to you, it's the same as putting it in."
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the managing director of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the managing director's office.

The bank managing director then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The managing director was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The managing director then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square." The managing director laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" The managing director agrees, "Sure, I'll bet £25,000 that my balls aren't square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident managing director.

That night, the managing director got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the managing director's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the managing director and repeated the bet "£25,000 says the managing director's balls are square!" The managing director agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The managing director complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the managing director, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The managing director asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank's managing director's balls in my hand.

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.
It is doing really well. He says Prophets are going through the roof!!

That's pretty funny, but he's nowhere near marxist ...

Still funny though

And ... wait .... YOU READ REDSTATE.COM??? C'mon dude ... that web site makes me want to beat republicans with a shovel. Babbling crap and Obama-pride make me want to beat democrats with a shovel.

I shouldn't carry shovels with me when I go out.
That's pretty funny, but he's nowhere near marxist ...

Still funny though

And ... wait .... YOU READ REDSTATE.COM??? C'mon dude ... that web site makes me want to beat republicans with a shovel. Babbling crap and Obama-pride make me want to beat democrats with a shovel.

I shouldn't carry shovels with me when I go out.

nah, i got that in an email, i didnt even know where it came from. lol
I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.
A fat girl served me food at McDonald's during lunchtime. She said, "Sorry about the wait."

I said, "Don't worry, Chubby. You're bound to lose it eventually."
As Noah looked out across the land seeing it fluorish after the floods.

Then the sky's opened and the voice of God himself boomed down.

"Noah, you will build me another Ark, and this one will be 20 storeys high"

Yes of course Lord, and will I be collecting all the animals and plants again as before?

"No this time, just fish"

Er, fish, just fish?

"Yes just fish, but not all fish, just Carp"

Lord I have never questioned you, but why would we let all the other creatures on your earth perish and just save fish, not just fish but just the Carp.

"Well I woke up this morning and just had this idea about building a multi-storey Carp Ark"
Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But since almost all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Muriel is lying in bed and her husband Hymie who is tossing and turning in his sleep, she wakes him up and asks

"Hymie what is wrong with you"

Hymie replies

"I owe Abie £25,000 and I can't pay him business is terrible"

Muriel pats Hymie in a comforting way and say's

"I'll take care of your worry my husband"

Muriel then throws open the bedroom window and shouts at the top of her voice

"Abie, my husband Hymie owes you £25,000 and he can't pay you"

Then shuts the window and goes back to bed, leans over to Hymie and says

"Now let Abie worry"
Top tip: If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she'll be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck. I appear in court next Monday.
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.