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Post your jokes

iBrightDev

iBrightDev

Jay Street
NLC
NLC
im sure you all get funny e-mails too, post them or your original jokes here...

btw, if i like your joke and havent heard it before, i will give +rep. :)

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
 
Why doesn't anyone play poker in Africa?
There's too many cheetahs!

What did the lifeguard say to the drowning hippie?
You're too far out, man!
 
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
 
Some Chav jokes :D


What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE’s?
A liar.

where do you take your chavette girlfriend for a nice night out?
Up the gary

two chavs are in a car, and no music is playing. Who’s driving?
the police

Two chavs jump off a cliff. Who wins?
Society

What do you call a chav tart in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

whats the similarity between a chav and a slinky:
there is lots of fun to be had watchin them fall down a steep set of stairs

If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him with your car?
It might be your bike.

What’s the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One’s thick and hairy, the other’s a coconut.

Why are chav either with they’re mates or at the dss?
Cos no chav is anti social.

What do you call a chav in a box,
INNIT

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted

What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe

How do you stop a chav from drowning?
Take your foot off their head.

Did you hear about a bus full of chavs that careered off a bridge into a river?
They all survived because you know how ---- floats.

Whats the difference between an onion and a dying chav?
Onions make you cry

Copper: You’re under arrest.
Chav: What the ---- for?
Copper: Swearing at a police officer!
 
INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
 
Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a whisky, drinks the beer and pours the whisky into his jacket top pocket, orders the same again. This goes on for 12 rounds of drinks, and he's getting a bit abusive to other customers.

The barman asks him to leave as he's had enough, and the man challenges the barman to a fight in the back alley.

Just then a mouse pops out of the guys top pocket and slurs - 'and bring your friggin cat'
 
Thanking Obama for killing Bin Laden is like going into McDonalds and thanking Ronald McDonald for the hamburger. It's the guy cooking the burger that should get the credit, not the clown.
 
i found it funny. :p

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next
morning found out that she was six months pregnant.
 
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
 
Man1: Knock knock
Man2: Whos there?
Man1: Bannana
Man2: Bannana who?
Man1: Knock knock
Man2: Whos there?
Man1: Bannana
Man2: Bannana who?
Man1: Knock knock
Man2: Whos there?
Man1: Bannana
Man2: Bannana who?
Man1: Knock knock
Man2: Whos there?
Man1: Bannana
Man2: Bannana who?
Man1: Knock knock
Man2: Whos there?
Man1: Bannana
Man2: Bannana who?
Man1: Knock knock
Man2: Whos there?
Man1: Bannana
Man2: Bannana who?
Man1: Knock knock
Man2: Whos there?
Man1: Orange
Man2: Orange who?
Man1: Orange ya glad i didnt say bannana!
 
All my passwords are 'incorrect', so that next time, when I forget my password, the website kindly reminds me that 'your password is incorrect!' :D
 
Man dials the emergency services:

Hello, I think my wife is dead!
You think sir?
Yes, the sex is still the same but the washing is really building up!
 
Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?
Mr.Smith: Yes.
Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it?

What about this?
 
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going
to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all
flesh is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding
you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for
an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to
build the Ark.
"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year.
Exactly one year later, fierce storm cloud covered the earth
and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw
Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me! Cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction
and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight
with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler
system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected,
claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark
in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have
16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each
kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified
me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct
of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corp. of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed
new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practising
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark
in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just
got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax
and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began
to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."
 
A kiwi one;
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a ----ing liar"
 
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