• Howdy! Welcome to our community of more than 130.000 members devoted to web hosting. This is a great place to get special offers from web hosts and post your own requests or ads. To start posting sign up here. Cheers! /Peo, FreeWebSpace.net
managed wordpress hosting

St. Patrick's day Troubleshooting Guide

Gayowulf

G-d
NLC
SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
You're in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar
 
I always remember all that when I'm sitting here reading it, but I need to bring the guide with me when I go out to the bar, because my mind goes blank. Kind of like writing a test, only a lot more fun.
 
I'm going to try to fit all of that on a T-Shirt. I'm going to a BC/DC concert.

Speaking of mind going blank, I just thought I'd let you know about Beer Scooters. I had a run in with one of them last Friday


Beer Scooter

How many times have you awakened in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you can't piece together your return journey from the pub, or that party, to your
house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of liquor. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness at this point the
"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his
many subcontractors will detect this pheromone and send down a magical Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger, and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are said
to be responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified Drinking Injuries
(UDI). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of
time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a
third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending
order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT
is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is
regained in discussions and comparisons over a future period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause
the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the
passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a
scooter drive-thru food chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza
crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked
from other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up
the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special antigravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the
CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the onboard heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in subzero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
 
Exactly. It's basically a segue without all that gay ---- like gyroscopes and speed control. It's what real men ride.
 
Back
Top