Stories, that's what you want? Well, I'm pretty sure it wasn't me who wrote them before but I'll try to fill in...
One day late in the year 2005, Toefur wanders into the General Discussion forum and exclaims "Where is everyone?! What has become of this place!" Stumbling uncomfortably around the suddenly foreign room like a Bush administration delegate at an environmental summit, she somehow manages to sit down in one of the vacant chairs. From there she surveys the room further. "None of the regulars, nothing interesting, and all sorts of geeky stuff that we're too cool for." The situation appears dire.
"I'm sorry," Hoth explains, "but you've been in a state of declining posting rate and reduced awareness of forum evolution for many years. The forum has gone on without you and changed with the times."
Toefur replies only with a horrified, disbelieving stare.
Soon a familiar face walks up. "You look familiar," Toefur begins, attempting to recall the face. "Ah ha, I remember now, the poster with a thousand usernames! needcgispace, Hayama-Kun, several other ones I think, and now Mahoro. What've you been doing with yourself?"
"Slackin' off in college," Mahoro replies. "Not much else to say."
"There's always more to say," Toefur insists, half prodding and half pleading, thrilled to have located a connection to the long lost golden era. "Got a crappy part time job as well? How long left of college? What are you doing in college? Do you like pizza? How's the weather?"
"Yes, I like pizza," Mahoro clarifies.
"Did somebody mention pizza?" Blank Verse chimes in, having appeared out of nowhere at the sound of the word.
"We should order a couple of large pepperonis to encourage others to join the discussion and ease Toefur's transition into the present," Hoth kindly suggests. "I'll go and charge it to Toefur's credit card, which I was able to acquire while she was stumbling about the room so dazed and confused."
"What've you been doing with yourself, Blank Verse?" Toefur prods.
"I ---- everything that moves," BV notes.
There's an uncomfortable silence as everyone in the room attempts to hold perfectly still.
Finally anhedonia speaks. "I still drop in every few months, randomly, to make sure you're all behaving. And Blank never is."
"I'm drunk and disorderly right now," Daniel offers.
"My hair is really long," tandoc informs as the exited tabloid media take notes.
His thoughts moving at a speed easily outpaced by a pregnant three toed sloth, Daniel continues his previous thought: "Last night was awesome. I don't remember half of it, but it was awesome."
"I have never been drunk," robert allen declares. Blank Verse's eyes pop out, and he turns away in revulsion at the thought. "And i have never done anything stupid," robert allen continues, prompting laughter.
"The other day," Canuckkev beings, "I wore a suit. And it didn't feel that weird. It just made me feel old...dayum, I am old. 20."
"One is never old enough for a suit," Hoth offers up as a painfully poor substitute for wisdom. "One merely gets forced into one eventually for certain jobs and functions. I never wear one, I just sit around home working for myself whenever I feel like it. Get up at 3 PM, stay up 'till 8 AM doing nothing much, repeat..."
"Shut up," the gainfully enslaved suggest in unison.
A n00b wanders into the reunion. "I don't know all the vets on here like ya'll do," it says.
"Try Animal Care Center at 210 Main Street," Hoth suggests, "and get going now." The n00b stands frozen at first. "Begone, foul new person who has no memory of the glory days!" Hoth clarifies, and the intruder slinks off.
For a few moments there is silence, then Blank Verse speaks up again. "Serious props go out to Toefur for this reunion. He's got me talking again, as there's something worth talking about."
Despite his drunken stupor, Daniel's mind draws a horrifying conclusion which he must investigate. "Don't tell me, you're going to start blogging here at FWS?"
The whole group shrinks away from Blank Verse at the suggestion, watching him carefully to see what he may do next. Enjoying the terror he now commands, BV says nothing.
"I was going to start this family reunion," notnamed admits, "but I'm not cool enough. So thanks, and I concur with everything that's been said."
Bruce pulls up a chair. "Most of the old-timers are gone... the 'regulars' are now people neither you nor I know."
"It's so tragic how families disintegrate," Toefur comments insightfully. "You were all my family." Much sniffling can be heard around the room, and finally the whole group breaks out crying at once... except for striker.
"The fact that you consider forum members your family is kind of tragic in itself no?" striker callously interrupts the mourning family. "You didn't even say 'Like' my family. Correct me if I'm wrong?"
As a means of correction, striker is strung up above a hastily prepared fire and cooked until well done. Once cut into bite sized pieces he provides a tasty snack on a plate next to the pizzas.
Another n00b wanders through. "hehe, am I a regular yet? *crosses fingers*" A well-aimed rifle shot eliminates the latest annoyance.
"You know who we haven't heard from in a while?" Matt8 asks rhetorically. "Conker! I wonder what is up with him."
"Yea Matt," echos a piece of flesh he's munching on. "Conker seems to have just up and left."
"Nothing worth replying too," Nick whines. "No hot and heavy homoeroticrepublican debates staring Captain Sodomy, himself. No Spanish Army jokes (they suck, by the way). No bigperm, meow, Lucifer, Coolin, ehhh I could list off a bunch of people who are MIA. It's just not the same anymore. 'Way back when' is no more," he sighs whistfully.
"Half of us are here in spirit, just not in text it would seem!" Toefur has hit on an important revelation.
"Hmm," Hoth ponders, "not all is lost, spirits can be raised and brought back to this world. Is there a good necromancer in these parts?"
Still drunk, Daniel interrupts to say "My spoon is too big." The inspired plan to restore the former glory of the forums is thus forgotten as quickly as it came to mind, and lost forever.
They all live unhappily ever after with perpetually growing post counts, except for those of them who stop posting.
The End
